Is Unhumble A Word?

For some reason I started reading my blog today.

(Yeah yeah, I’m supposed to write in it, I know I know…)

ANYway…

 I noticed that, huh. It’s not bad! I would read it!

Then I noticed that, huh, other people have read it too!

Now I kinda feel like a dork. An unhumble one.

Because immodest makes me feel like I sit here in short skirts and low-cut shirts writing it.

(And I’m actually in some “Bazinga” sleep pants and an oversized red tshirt. In case you were wondering.)

Where was I?

Yeah so l want to try to get back to this again. Just so you know. I figure if I put it out there then it makes it more real.Back to typing about anxiety and ADHD and kids and FLYlady (or lack there of) and breastfeeding and any other random thing that pops into my head

Like the fact that I really need to trim my nails because they feel soooo annoying while I type but they look so nice I don’t want to, or the fact that WordPress is sooooo slow right now that words don’t pop up until way after I typed them (which may have something to do with the 3597 tabs I have open in Firefox, but whatever.) Or that it just tried to eat my blog and now I’m typing on some weird new page thingy. Or that when we left off I was having medication issues… and they are STILL not solved!

ANYway…

My point is, I’m going to try to bring this back, more for me then for anyone who may still be following. But if you are following, please feel free to let me know, and keep on me!

Now, off to shed my Bazinga pants for that slinky skirt. (Well… OK, my husband’s old jeans because it’s time to clean out The Boy’s sandbox with him. After I clean up the house. Ish. Because really? Not that much has changed!)

Lessons Learned, Part I

So, I’ve learned a few things this last week or so.

The first being, I sooo have ADHD.

Now, you may be sitting there thinking, “But, but, but… didn’t you learn that awhile ago?!”

Why yes. Yes I did. (Said in complete “Phineas and Ferb-ness”.)

But, see, I took the meds and I learned some things and I was seeing somebody to help and yes things were better but I kept thinking it was just the learning and the seeing and not so much the taking.

If we’re being honest, I have been totally worried it was all in my head.

So about a month ago my health insurance said they wanted me to take the generic form of medication. Well hey, I use generic medicine for colds and aches, why not?  Besides, I’m on a crazy low dose, so I should be fine.

So now we get to the second thing I learned:

Generic is NOT always the same.

Sooooo….. I was taking my meds la de dah and suddenly I had 4 straight nights of not being capable of falling asleep before 4am.

Huh.

And I was a tad bit… erm… irritable.

(OK, truthfully? I was nasty. I was yelling and mean and angry and picking fights with my husband. But let’s just go with irritable for now.)

I chalked it up to no sleep, and thought, “Hmm, this sleep thing started with the new meds. Maybe I need to take my 2nd dose earlier.”

Then I thought, “Hmmm…. this irritable thing started with the new meds…”

Oh dear.

I started to just take 1 a day. Early.

I just so happened to have an appointment with a counselor, so I asked what her thoughts were on generic. I mentioned I didn’t think it was working as well. She asked me what I was experiencing and didn’t seem the least bit shocked. She said that she hears that a lot, then something about fillers (hey, I was only on 1 day, and as you’ll read that 1 does diddley-squat) and mentioned I probably want to talk to my doctor.

Which I did. A couple weeks later. (Because as I alluded to above, turns out 1 dose is doing nothing. More details later.)

So my doctor is wonderful and sends me a new script right away and says it should be all set but if there’s anything more I need she can do it. I went to drop it off and explained that I wasn’t sure what would happen with the insurance because -

“Well, she can write DAW all over but if the insurance won’t accept it I can’t do anything.”

Gee, Mr. Pharmacist, thanks for interrupting but can I finish please?

After making me feel like a infantile pain in his neck, he sends me off saying they can’t fill it, he’ll call me after he talks to the insurance.

Thaaaaanks…

He called later that day saying the copay is a crazy amount and NOBODY would pay that much, to which I answered “Well don’t assume that, because if that medication is the only thing standing between a person and major, debilitating anxiety, you would be surprised”. He took the hint and was a lot less condescending.

Third thing learned: Being a pharmacist doesn’t mean you understand how life changing medication is.

So, I called insurance. They say my doctor needs to fill out a form. OK, great. I let her know.

This is Monday.

On Wednesday I call the pharmacy. They OKed me filling the script… at the crazy price.

OOooookay.

Back on the phone with insurance. Oh, nope, wrong form. We’ll fax your doctor the right form.

Sure. Great. Not sure why you didn’t tell me yesterday, but OK.

On Friday I get a letter. Apparently my doctor resent the paper… that is the same as the first one.

Wha!?!??!

Back to insurance.

I explain what is going on to the lady, who proceeds to “reexplain” it to me. I was fine until she said, “But since you have chosen not to accept he generic – “

Yeah, here’s where I threw manners out the window. Politely.

“Excuse me ma’am, but I fully accept the generic, but my body does NOT. I understand your needs to cut costs and I truly wish I could help  you with that, but this medication is NOT agreeing with me.”

Which FYI? Is sooooo much more polite then what I wanted to say.

That being said, she was MUCH more polite after that herself. So I guess the fourth thing I learned would be: Sometimes, you really do have to get a little gruff to make your point clear and be taken seriously.

Long story not-so-long, she said that there was a whoooole other form that needs to be filled out. To which I countered I appreciated her help but sure wish I could have been told that on Monday.

Well, today is Monday (a week later) and they still haven’t reviewed it. Of course they’re closed today and tomorrow. So it’ll be a month since I’ve had the proper medication. IF they decide to approve it.

So what has this meant for me? How did this help me realize I truly do have some chemical/neurological issues?!

Tune in later this week to find out!

On A Lighter Note…

OK, so I got more horrific  news yesterday… So today? We need to LAUGH!

BUT! Before that, I want to put something out there. I have a chance to do an AWESOME giveaway… but I only want to do it if I have at least 5 readers. So, if you read this blog, can you please comment on this post? If I get 5 replies by tomorrow afternoon, I’ll run the giveaway!

OK, so now an oldie but a goodie.

And if you like the graphic I created, you REALLY want to comment so I have the giveaway!!!

 

 

Thomas Sheets

And it just keeps coming…

I had just finished The Boy’s kindergarten parent/teacher conference. I was waiting to go into Blue Eye’s… She’s in 2nd grade.

My husband told me. Thankfully he knows not to go into too much detail if he can help it.

But he couldn’t help it much, because his groomsman lived in the town. With his three daughters.

Since the conferences were running late, I told him go. Go home, check on Facebook.

Turns out he sends his children to a private school, so they are safe. But he has to explain to his daughter why her two friends were killed. How do you even do that?

I was OK for a bit. The waves would come but I had to get through the conference.

Then I got home, and my sweet Boy ran into my arms.

And he seemed so small. All of a sudden, he was just a baby.

And I couldn’t stop squeezing him, so I could feel him breathe. And holding his face to mine, to feel it’s warmth. I relished in his wiggling as he laughed “Mama!!! You squeezin’ me too much!!”. Because I couldn’t stop thinking of those cradling their child whose body wasn’t so perfect.

I made it though the rest of the night OK. Driving back from a store I broke down, but I had on music and the 2 in the car were talking and laughing and it was ok.

That night I snuggled The Boy in bed. It’s a nightly thing, and I was starting to get tired of it. He’s 5 now, why do I keep doing this? Shouldn’t he be better about getting to bed on his own?

But I laid there on Thomas the Tank Engine sheets. Laid there and held my boy. I had his hair tickle my nose, listened to his little snuffs, felt him wiggle to get comfy.

And I thought of other beds. Beds with Thomas and Tinkerbell and Mario and Buzz.

Empty beds.

And I imagined laying there, alone, with my heart broken.

And I cried.

I won’t lie, this is rough. And really, what right do I have to complain? Oh poor me, I’m so worried about my kids. Oh poor me, my brain won’t stop letting these horrible thoughts go through my head. In the grand scheme of things, I have no right to complain.

But man this is hard… Anxiety is a very dark, real thing to deal with it.

But I will. I will.

I spent the weekend with everyone at my inlaws. We had a wonderful time! And I was so excited that on Sunday, Husband and I were going to have a “date night” watching the Survivor finale.

Then I would feel guilty. So guilty. How can I do that?!?! How can I enjoy life, laugh, smile, make plans, when somewhere out there there are families wracked with grief?

But you know what? I enjoy life, laugh, smile, and make plans for exactly that reason.

Because anything could happen. Car accidents, disease, evil doings, just to name a few.

ANYTHING can happen.

And if it does, I want my kids (or husband, or myself) to know that they are loved. I want them to know laughter and joy.

I want them to see that bad things will happen but we keep moving on. We move forward. We enjoy every last second of life. Because we don’t really know when that last second is.

Maybe I’m not so eager to get out of those Thomas sheets after all.

Not Quite How I Planned This

Well, here it is.

My triumphant return to blogging.

I had planned out so many possible posts for this big moment! I could tell you about how my journey with “household (mis)management” is going. My slow but steady progress in dealing with my ADHD. My new job! My new business! (Yup, you read that right!) My weight loss! (Conveniently, I would leave out the “weight regain” part…).

But what got me here is something else.

Anxiety.

Ah yes, it still can rear its ugly head. For the most part, I consider myself having it under control. The medication really helps me keep my brain from going off into (too) deep, dark places.

Even after our village lost a little girl to cancer – the little girl who road my kids’ bus to her Grandma’s, a few houses down – I kept it under control. Before, that would have sent me spiraling into all sorts of horrible thoughts. But not this time. I was able to keep myself from being consumed by grief and worry. And I was so proud (and relieved)!

I talked with my mom today. Her neighbor’s 11 year old son was hit by a car and died.

Wham.

Now? I’m having to fight for this. I’m fighting for that control of my brain, fighting for that voice to tell me to STOP THIS. STOP. NO.

It’s hard. I’ll be OK, then am suddenly slammed with a sheer and utter panic about any every thing that could possibly happen to my kids.

But I’m fighting. I’m going to keep fighting. I know how this can go, and I know that I can keep this from spiraling out of control.

And this is for anyone out there who reads this who struggles with anxiety. I’m not sure if there are still any “followers” but maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there on the internet searching for hope. Somebody out there who has become consumed with worry and panic. Looking to not feel so alone.

Fight it. Fight it hard. Fight it loud.

I have no time for this. I have kids to love, a job to go to, a business to work on, a husband to treasure, friends to enjoy, a body to make healthier, a house to care for, a blog to get moving again.

I have a life to live.

A life where bad things will happen, whether I’m ready or not.

But the here, the now, is waiting for me.

So I’m going to fight. And I’m going to win.

Wordless Wednesday

Where I let go of my need to have it all perfect, and let a picture do the work for me…

Three

I can’t say this is how I imagined I would make my return to blogging. But Mama Kat struck again, and when I saw her writing prompt “List of lies you consistently tell”, and it coincided with today, May 6th, I felt I had to do it.

Today marks 8 years where I would need to start to lie.

At first it was “One”.

Then it was “Two”.

Now, it looks like we’ve stopped at “Three”.

The question being, “How many children do you have?”

I have four children. But only three are physically here with me.

Eight years ago today, on May 6th, 2004, I lost a baby. We have since named the baby, “Kailas”.

And for some reason that I hate, when I get asked how many children I have, I always say “Three”.

It’s not to spare myself. It’s to spare others. To keep them from having that awkward moment of “Oh man… now what do I say?!”

But is that fair to them? Is it fair to those others who suffer from loss? Is it fair to my family, my Kailas? Would it be easier if we were all open about it?

But what about those who don’t count that as my baby? Not to get into any political debate, but my own aunt told me “It didn’t have a soul, it wasn’t a person.”

So why do I do it? Why do we as a society do it? I know for a fact I’m not the only one. And I cringe inside every time.

But I say it anyway.

“I have three children.”

And I’m a liar.

I wrote about Kailas here. And I would like to thank Mama Kat’s (Pretty Much World Famous) Writing Workshop for drawing me back to my blog! do hope to be back soon to let you know all the exciting things that are going on!

What Happens When You Write A Post With A Plugged Head

If you have ever wondered what you get when you cross a horse with a write a blog post on Day 5 of Killer Congestion Flu, this is what you get:

Why helllllooooooo my dear blog readers of which I believe number 5? Maybe only 4, I don’t count. ROLL CALL! Who’s here? Leave a comment, don’t be shy!

What’s that smell? Got me, I haven’t smelled anything in the last 4 days unless you count red onion that really? is purple, come on food naming people! or garlic, both of which I could not get out of my head (nostrils?) for hours. However if I had to guess, it’s either peppermint, eucalyptus, or something in the bottom of the cup that’s been there since Thursday because DH has (up until today) taken over dish washing duty. And GUESS WHAT?!

I decided to try to do the whole Flylady “shining your sink” in January thing, and was doing SO SO great! Once I had to ask DH to do it (and he did! Well… the dishes, let’s not get picky about the shining part) but for the last 4 days I have been wiped out with some killer bug. (How bad was it? BAD. Bad enough to raise the thermometer over 103. Bad enough that the kids listened to Daddy and really left me alone. Bad enough that I don’t really remember Friday. And yes, The Boy was in my care for 6+ hours that day…)

ANYway… Where was I? My sink! So yes, I was comatose for most of the weekend, but GUESS WHAT? Without me even asking, he kept up with the dishes!! SO, look look look:

So, do you want one of your own? Check out to your right for a coupon code towards the AWESOME scrapbooking program I used to create that in NO TIME at all! Not only do you get $10 off, but it includes $10 towards their online store if you want to get additional goodies! There’s a lot of free/.99 items there, so it can go a loooong way!

Ok, wait wait wait. One thing I have GOT to tell you. Awhile back I did a post that included a poem. Well guess what.

We have resolution!!

The poem was about the the loss (?) of a friend for unknown reasons. That nagging feeling when you lose touch with someone and can’t reconnect and you’re not sure why. This was particularly devastating because this friend was soooo special to me for soooo many reasons, in sooooo many ways. I can’t describe it. And so to lose (so I thought) that friendship with no closure? Heartbreaking. On a daily basis. It truly was as if she had died, and just about daily there were reminders of her. (Actually, it was daily, because there were nights where I would say to myself “YES! I made it a whole day without thinking of – DOH!”)

OK, the point to that? If you’re not sure why someone isn’t communicating much with you, but think you might know, but aren’t sure, ASK. Directly. And do NOT give up until you have a direct answer. Because there’s a (very good) chance they are going through the same thing you are.

Is it more complicated then that? In ways, yes. But it doesn’t stop the fact that it could have been cut short if I had followed my above advice!

Wow. I have totally killed exclamation points, caps, and the letter ‘o’ today. I think that’s a sign I need to continue my goal to rehydrate. I want a Wii, have I told you that? I’ve lost about 4 pounds and I can’t help but think if I had a Wii to move and groove to I could lose more, and maybe it’s not “real” exercise but any movement is better then no movement, right?

Oh, and a big shout out thanks to Jenn (one half of Jenn and Casey) for getting my back on this again! Otherwise I would never have graced you with my lovely presence! (I’m going to regret reading this in the morning/whenever I’m feeling normal again, aren’t I?)

Ha. Me. Normal. *snicker*

Remember, leave a comment so I can oooh and ahhh if I hit a whole hand worth of people reading me! And thanks! <3

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Where I let go of my need to have it all perfect, and let a picture do the work for me…

If you don't talk to your snowmen about global warming, who will?

Wordless Wednesday

Where I let go of my need to have it all perfect, and let a picture do the work for me…