I can’t say this is how I imagined I would make my return to blogging. But Mama Kat struck again, and when I saw her writing prompt “List of lies you consistently tell”, and it coincided with today, May 6th, I felt I had to do it.

Today marks 8 years where I would need to start to lie.

At first it was “One”.

Then it was “Two”.

Now, it looks like we’ve stopped at “Three”.

The question being, “How many children do you have?”

I have four children. But only three are physically here with me.

Eight years ago today, on May 6th, 2004, I lost a baby. We have since named the baby, “Kailas”.

And for some reason that I hate, when I get asked how many children I have, I always say “Three”.

It’s not to spare myself. It’s to spare others. To keep them from having that awkward moment of “Oh man… now what do I say?!”

But is that fair to them? Is it fair to those others who suffer from loss? Is it fair to my family, my Kailas? Would it be easier if we were all open about it?

But what about those who don’t count that as my baby? Not to get into any political debate, but my own aunt told me “It didn’t have a soul, it wasn’t a person.”

So why do I do it? Why do we as a society do it? I know for a fact I’m not the only one. And I cringe inside every time.

But I say it anyway.

“I have three children.”

And I’m a liar.

I wrote about Kailas here. And I would like to thank Mama Kat’s (Pretty Much World Famous) Writing Workshop for drawing me back to my blog! do hope to be back soon to let you know all the exciting things that are going on!


About growingintome

Oh goodness... where to start! I am a preschool teacher with three little rugrats. A loving (usually!) wife. A Flybaby-in-training. Fascinated by natural childbirth and breastfeeding. Working on improving my knitting and crocheting. Would love to learn to play the piano and guitar. Dreaming of being a sign language interpreter. Totally amateur blogger. In case you didn't guess.
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9 Responses to Three

  1. Jennifer Worrell says:

    WOW! I would have four children, too. I have two, though; they are both miracles, and I’m so thankful for them every day. Beautifully written.

  2. Dana L. Fay says:

    I don’t look at it as you lying. With three children alive, you do have three children. You would have had four (I don’t know where Kailas would be in the age lineup of your kids, youngest, etc.). Most of the time, when a parent has lost a child, whether that child was a baby or a 50 year old adult, they quit counting them among the children they have. I hear them say, “I had two kids, but one passed away several years ago.” That’s okay, and so is saying you have three, or four, or four, but that one is no longer with you. If you do what’s best for you, then no one has the right to judge you. All anyone has to say is, “I’m so sorry.” I’m sure some will ask you questions (and some of those may be inappropriate ones), and some will stammer. It’s all about how you need to deal with it and what’s best for your family. If someone is insensitive or just downright rude (like your aunt, there’s no call for that), just walk away. You’ll never have to see them again if they’re a stranger, and if it’s family, they should eventually get the hint and at least shut up about it.

    Just do what’s best for you and your family. And it doesn’t matter how much later it is: I’m sorry for your loss. *HUGS*

    • That’s very true, and what I was thinking about. Why do I *just* say “three” and feel a twinge of regret? I could add to it (you have some good examples of how!). I think I’m finally making some peace with it; writing it out (and hearing different responses) is helpful with that process.

      • Dana L. Fay says:

        I’m glad that writing about it is helping you. You know where I am if you want to run anything by me. Granted, I may not always be the best to ask. I’m probably the least likely person I know to look at a stranger in a weird way for saying something like “have three, but would have had four…” for many reasons.

        One of those reasons is that when people used to ask, I would tell people that I was the middle child even though there’s only two of us. My brother is six and a half years older than me and was an older brother to me until he sustained his head injury when I was ten. Then I had to start helping take care of him and became like an older sister to him in many ways. Now that I’m out of the house and don’t frequently have to help, most of the time all I need to say is that I have an older brother. I’m to a point where that’s what’s right for me. I have to explain further sometimes when I’m asked about nieces and nephews, but sometimes I just reference Robert’s brother and say I have two nephews.

        Again, just do what works best for you in that moment. No one has the right to judge, and anyone that does is someone you don’t want to waste your time on.

  3. ~Kris says:

    if you’re a liar, then i’m a liar too
    thinking of you…

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