Not Quite How I Planned This

Well, here it is.

My triumphant return to blogging.

I had planned out so many possible posts for this big moment! I could tell you about how my journey with “household (mis)management” is going. My slow but steady progress in dealing with my ADHD. My new job! My new business! (Yup, you read that right!) My weight loss! (Conveniently, I would leave out the “weight regain” part…).

But what got me here is something else.

Anxiety.

Ah yes, it still can rear its ugly head. For the most part, I consider myself having it under control. The medication really helps me keep my brain from going off into (too) deep, dark places.

Even after our village lost a little girl to cancer – the little girl who road my kids’ bus to her Grandma’s, a few houses down – I kept it under control. Before, that would have sent me spiraling into all sorts of horrible thoughts. But not this time. I was able to keep myself from being consumed by grief and worry. And I was so proud (and relieved)!

I talked with my mom today. Her neighbor’s 11 year old son was hit by a car and died.

Wham.

Now? I’m having to fight for this. I’m fighting for that control of my brain, fighting for that voice to tell me to STOP THIS. STOP. NO.

It’s hard. I’ll be OK, then am suddenly slammed with a sheer and utter panic about any every thing that could possibly happen to my kids.

But I’m fighting. I’m going to keep fighting. I know how this can go, and I know that I can keep this from spiraling out of control.

And this is for anyone out there who reads this who struggles with anxiety. I’m not sure if there are still any “followers” but maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there on the internet searching for hope. Somebody out there who has become consumed with worry and panic. Looking to not feel so alone.

Fight it. Fight it hard. Fight it loud.

I have no time for this. I have kids to love, a job to go to, a business to work on, a husband to treasure, friends to enjoy, a body to make healthier, a house to care for, a blog to get moving again.

I have a life to live.

A life where bad things will happen, whether I’m ready or not.

But the here, the now, is waiting for me.

So I’m going to fight. And I’m going to win.

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About growingintome

Oh goodness... where to start! I am a preschool teacher with three little rugrats. A loving (usually!) wife. A Flybaby-in-training. Fascinated by natural childbirth and breastfeeding. Working on improving my knitting and crocheting. Would love to learn to play the piano and guitar. Dreaming of being a sign language interpreter. Totally amateur blogger. In case you didn't guess.
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2 Responses to Not Quite How I Planned This

  1. ~kris says:

    *hugs*
    much love for you, and missing you very much

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