Where I let go of my need to have it all perfect, and let a picture do the work for me…
I can’t say this is how I imagined I would make my return to blogging. But Mama Kat struck again, and when I saw her writing prompt “List of lies you consistently tell”, and it coincided with today, May 6th, I felt I had to do it.
Today marks 8 years where I would need to start to lie.
At first it was “One”.
Then it was “Two”.
Now, it looks like we’ve stopped at “Three”.
The question being, “How many children do you have?”
I have four children. But only three are physically here with me.
Eight years ago today, on May 6th, 2004, I lost a baby. We have since named the baby, “Kailas”.
And for some reason that I hate, when I get asked how many children I have, I always say “Three”.
It’s not to spare myself. It’s to spare others. To keep them from having that awkward moment of “Oh man… now what do I say?!”
But is that fair to them? Is it fair to those others who suffer from loss? Is it fair to my family, my Kailas? Would it be easier if we were all open about it?
But what about those who don’t count that as my baby? Not to get into any political debate, but my own aunt told me “It didn’t have a soul, it wasn’t a person.”
So why do I do it? Why do we as a society do it? I know for a fact I’m not the only one. And I cringe inside every time.
But I say it anyway.
“I have three children.”
And I’m a liar.
I wrote about Kailas here. And I would like to thank Mama Kat’s (Pretty Much World Famous) Writing Workshop for drawing me back to my blog! do hope to be back soon to let you know all the exciting things that are going on!
If you have ever wondered what you get when you
cross a horse with a write a blog post on Day 5 of Killer Congestion Flu, this is what you get:
Why helllllooooooo my dear blog readers of which I believe number 5? Maybe only 4, I don’t count. ROLL CALL! Who’s here? Leave a comment, don’t be shy!
What’s that smell? Got me, I haven’t smelled anything in the last 4 days unless you count red onion that really? is purple, come on food naming people! or garlic, both of which I could not get out of my head (nostrils?) for hours. However if I had to guess, it’s either peppermint, eucalyptus, or something in the bottom of the cup that’s been there since Thursday because DH has (up until today) taken over dish washing duty. And GUESS WHAT?!
I decided to try to do the whole Flylady “shining your sink” in January thing, and was doing SO SO great! Once I had to ask DH to do it (and he did! Well… the dishes, let’s not get picky about the shining part) but for the last 4 days I have been wiped out with some killer bug. (How bad was it? BAD. Bad enough to raise the thermometer over 103. Bad enough that the kids listened to Daddy and really left me alone. Bad enough that I don’t really remember Friday. And yes, The Boy was in my care for 6+ hours that day…)
ANYway… Where was I? My sink! So yes, I was comatose for most of the weekend, but GUESS WHAT? Without me even asking, he kept up with the dishes!! SO, look look look:
So, do you want one of your own? Check out to your right for a coupon code towards the AWESOME scrapbooking program I used to create that in NO TIME at all! Not only do you get $10 off, but it includes $10 towards their online store if you want to get additional goodies! There’s a lot of free/.99 items there, so it can go a loooong way!
Ok, wait wait wait. One thing I have GOT to tell you. Awhile back I did a post that included a poem. Well guess what.
We have resolution!!
The poem was about the the loss (?) of a friend for unknown reasons. That nagging feeling when you lose touch with someone and can’t reconnect and you’re not sure why. This was particularly devastating because this friend was soooo special to me for soooo many reasons, in sooooo many ways. I can’t describe it. And so to lose (so I thought) that friendship with no closure? Heartbreaking. On a daily basis. It truly was as if she had died, and just about daily there were reminders of her. (Actually, it was daily, because there were nights where I would say to myself “YES! I made it a whole day without thinking of – DOH!”)
OK, the point to that? If you’re not sure why someone isn’t communicating much with you, but think you might know, but aren’t sure, ASK. Directly. And do NOT give up until you have a direct answer. Because there’s a (very good) chance they are going through the same thing you are.
Is it more complicated then that? In ways, yes. But it doesn’t stop the fact that it could have been cut short if I had followed my above advice!
Wow. I have totally killed exclamation points, caps, and the letter ‘o’ today. I think that’s a sign I need to continue my goal to rehydrate. I want a Wii, have I told you that? I’ve lost about 4 pounds and I can’t help but think if I had a Wii to move and groove to I could lose more, and maybe it’s not “real” exercise but any movement is better then no movement, right?
Oh, and a big shout out thanks to Jenn (one half of Jenn and Casey) for getting my back on this again! Otherwise I would never have graced you with my lovely presence! (I’m going to regret reading this in the morning/whenever I’m feeling normal again, aren’t I?)
Ha. Me. Normal. *snicker*
Remember, leave a comment so I can oooh and ahhh if I hit a whole hand worth of people reading me! 🙂 And thanks! ❤
Where I let go of my need to have it all perfect, and let a picture do the work for me…
The one I was almost done with last night and got distracted and never finished and then tried to finish today.
And then it ate it.
So for now, I’m turning away from it, but there is part of it left undigested under ‘drafts’, so hopefully tomorrow I’ll finish it up!
So yeah… how is your weekend starting?! 😀
Oh my goodness! What insanity!
Cookies! Insomnia! Ballet shoe shopping! Index cards! Driving through Saturday morning mall traffic!
As you can tell by my excess use of exclamation points, life is busy busy busy, and anything but boring. (I’m giving up on that dream…) I’m still working on an index card plan tailored to me, and hope to tell you more about how I used to use them, and then how I hope to use them. (Did that sentence make any sense?)
That won’t be tonight though. Tonight, hubbie and I have a date night! What are we doing? Hee hee… Well, we’re taking a sewing class together! Yes, that’s right, my dear man is coming with me to learn how to use my sewing machine and read patterns! (He mostly just wants to learn how it works, although he mentions he hopes to make some things too. He already has a pillow case under his belt from our daughter’s party. I hate to tell him, but this is more of a “how to” class, but maybe he’ll sign up for a “project” class with me next!)
I’ve been reading some really neat blogs lately (and saving waaaaay too many for later, ack!) and hope to get a little ‘blog roll’ thing going. At the very least, I hope to have a post you can reference with some listed. Would you like yours in it? Make sure I have a link to it!
OK, I need to get ready for our big night! What’s the most unique date night/Girls Night Out that you ever did?
After a pretty successful NaBloPoMo, I want to keep up the trend of posting more often. Probably not EVERY day, but more often then I had! Today, I decided to use a prompt from Mama Kat’s (pretty much world famous) writing workshop. She instructs:
List 5 things we don’t know about you, 5 things you’re knowledgeable about, 5 things you know nothing about, and 5 things you believe.
So, here we go!
5 Things You Don’t Know About Me
1. I used to volunteer at the high school library, usually covering books with contact paper. Seriously, everyone should have that skill!
2. Despite my major in Early Childhood Education, I loved teaching a 6th grade in a Catholic, inner city school the best! It was only for the last 6 weeks of the school year, but it was so empowering. It could have had something to do with how ‘hands off’ the principle was…
3. I used to be quite proficient in something called “Cued Speech”. I’m still not too bad, if I do say so myself… But I hope to return to my former level – and much better! – some day.
4. I have a dear friend who is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and if I had any backbone in me at all, I would become one too.
5. My husband and I have an animal (you know, how some people have ‘a song’): Moose!
Five Things I’m Knowledgeable About
(Disclaimer: There is always SO much to learn about everything, I don’t really consider myself “knowledgeable” about anything! But, here goes…)
1. The Spanish Alphabet. And reading orally in spanish. Understanding it? Ummmm… no…
2. As mentioned above, I’m decent with Cued Speech.
3. Procrastination. Yup, I’m VERY knowledgeable about that!
4. I’d like to think I’m fairly knowledgeable about breastfeeding. If nothing else, I know where to send you for help!
5. Clutter. Yup, I know it. I know it well…
Five Things I Know Nothing About
1. Crocheting. Other then it’s really really hard. For me, anyway.
2. Head Lice. I say this because apparently the new thing in our Primary School is to NOT send home kids with it. So I may find out about it. But I really don’t want to.
3. History. Um, there were a lot of people long ago. There were wars. They invented stuff. The end?
4. Footnotes. To this day I have NO idea about where to even start with them.
5. Computers. There’s a screen and a keyboard and big part. You click the fox thingy and it takes you to the internet. The only thing I know about the internet is that Al Gore invented it.
Five Things I Believe In – Answered in Song Lyrics Because These Are What Popped Into My Head
1. I believe I can fly… I believe I can touch the sky…
2. The POWer of love.
3. In miracles.
4. A dream is a wish your heart makes… when you’re fast asleep….
5. (Or not) I’m walking on air, I never thought I could feel so free-eee-eee-eeeee.
Today I read a post at The Feminist Breeder (FYI, I’m not saying I agree with 100% – or even 75% – of what she says, but she says it very well!) and it got me thinking.
See, today marks 9 years since I had a baby. Notice I don’t say “gave birth”. No, it wasn’t a Caesarean but the way it all happened, I just don’t feel like I can say I “gave birth”.
Her post got me thinking about all the lessons I learned from that experience. I’m going to list a few here but I can tell you know it all boils down to 1 thing: EDUCATION. I can not begin to tell you how important it is to educate yourself.
And no, that doesn’t mean “Just ask your doctor”.
Lesson #1 – Hospital “Classes”
I thought I could learn everything I needed to know about labor in 3 hours. I somehow thought in 3 hours we would cover what my body would be doing, what to expect, how to cope with it, what the doctors and nurses would be doing, what would happen in an emergency, and what happens after the birth.
It took me until my 3rd child to realize that if I really wanted to know all of the above, I would need longer then 3 hours, and more then $35. Yes, this cheapskate had to dig a little deeper, but knowing what was happening makes an incredible difference!
Lesson #2: Stripping The Membranes
First of all, what exactly is it? According to webmd.com “The doctor will insert a gloved finger into your vagina and move it back and forth to separate the membrane that connects the amniotic sac to the wall of the uterus.”
Let me just say: It’s as painful as it sounds.
Well, it was for me. It was at Week 38, 39, and 40. Yup, that’s right, I had it done 3 times. They asked “Do you want this done?” and I figured that if they were offering, it must be the right thing to do.
Yeah. Um, well, that last time the contractions did start, leading to a 38 hour labor. But I have a feeling it started too early. I don’t think my baby was ready yet. She wasn’t quite in position which led to….
Lesson #3: Back Labor (Or, Managing Labor)
Look, I’m not going to sit and tell you labor should be completely comfortable. But the fact is there are ways to manage the pain. And my opinion is anybody going into labor should have a heavy arsenal of techniques to try. Having a toolbox full of tips, ideas, and suggestions makes such a difference. And that way you can know you did everything before you have…
Lesson #4: An Epidural
I will never every say that epidurals are evil or should be banned, or look down on anyone who has had one. (Heck, I had 2!) But with that being said, I do believe that EVERY woman should know the risks, preferable before they’re in full blown labor.
In my case, it turns out they included another drug with the epidural; I want to say Femerol, but I don’t remember exactly. Turns out it can cause the mother to spike a fever and vomit. That, combined with meconium in my daughter’s fluid, led to days of needless worry and me not holding her until she was 29 hours old. (They stopped adding it soon after… Hmmmm… I wonder why…) It also can cause your baby to be sleepy for awhile, as it did my daughter, which made the breastfeeding start very difficult.
Lesson #5: Support
Honestly, next to education, I think this is the most important thing you need. Support from your doctors, family, friends, and the father. For me, I also had a wonderful dear friend who was a doula at my last birth. Because sometimes, all that education you learned will go out the window when a nurse starts to argue, or you’ve been laboring for hours on end, or the excitement of it all gets to you.
Look, I just touched on some things off the top of my head. I’m not a birth expert by any means. But I’m a mom, I’ve done the birth thing, and I can share the little bit I did learn. Every mom in every situation is different, but they all deserve the encouragement to go out there and educate themselves. There is enough information out there, and most of it is accurate. 😉 Challenge yourself. Visit some sites that you think have a different view then you have. Ask question. Ultimately, do what feels right for you and your baby.
I didn’t. Not for my first birth, and not for my 2nd. Nine years later, I still am weighed down by the way things went. I still feel guilt about my choices (or lack thereof). But that’s why I want to encourage everyone out there to educate themselves, and support the women in their life as they do the same.