Not So Much….

Hmmm..

Well…

It went great for awhile! I was proud of my prioritizing! And then –

Um…

I actually don’t know what happened.

But it sure was nice while it lasted! Here’s hoping I can start again!

Huh. Go figure.

Last night? Not so much. Still…. 3 of the last 4, and not being discouraged about missing a day? WIN! Plus, because I had done the
dishes once already that afternoon, it’s not too bad!

How Could I Not?

Seriously, how could I not type today?

The start of a month. On a Sunday!

Well… Yes… I suppose there have been other months starting on a Sunday since I last typed. And maybe there have been some other biggie things like school ending, starting (and ending and starting… it’s been awhile, hasn’t it?) or a new calendar year…

Work with me here!

Why now? I dunno. Maybe I’m procrastinating the other zillion things I need to do just ready to really give this whole “conquering perfectionism” thing a try!

…

I’ll wait for you to stop laughing.

In all seriousness, I’ve been enjoying the blog A Slob Comes Clean soooo much! The author “Nony” (short for anonymous, although now she’s anything but!) is so relatable and down-to-earth and practical… I mean, I still love me some Flylady ! But Nony is just more realistic for me. I LOVE that she is NOT afraid to post pictures, namely Before and Afters! (Which SPOILER ALERT!! I hope to start doing here!). Flylady will always have a place in my  heart and I still love a lot of her ideas, but I guess I’m just getting more out of the other blog right now.

So, ANYway… I’ve really going for the whole “clean sink” thing this month. I’ve been doing it a bit the last couple of weeks but I’m trying to be serious about it! (Yes, that’s a big thing on both blogs!)

Want to hear a REALLY interesting dilemma? I have to convince my  husband to let me do the dishes instead of him!! Now, before you assume it’s a perfectionist thing (although I do tend to like my dishes… you know… *clean*…) there are some actual logical reasons to it!!

1. I do ALL the dishes. For a man who loves Tetris and thrives on the words “I don’t think it will fit”, he sure doesn’t carry it over to the dishes! I see the pile as a challenge to artfully arrange them in the dish rack (and drying mat) in a way that is both aesthetically pleasing while allowing for optimal air flow, AND keeps them from crashing to the floor.
2. I don’t JUST wash dishes. I rinse out recyclables and clean the really awesome cloth bags that I got from this shop on Etsy. Instead of leaving them on a pile by the sink.
3. It doesn’t stop at the sink! What is the name of the phenomenon that makes it so natural to go from dishes to needing to wipe the counters, which means having to clean OFF the counters first, which also leads to wanting to sweep (because you just wiped the crud from the counters onto the floor)?

So. Yup. There you go. Let’s see how it goes. Both the blog and the sink!

HA!

See, technically, this is *twice* in a month! So there!

Ah, a new year…. Fresh new calendar, a whole new 12 months to become perfect!!

I’m still fighting the urge that says “You can get the entire house perfectly clean by midnight! Let’s start about 24 new habits tomorrow!!! Go to Pinterest and find 8 different organizing challenges* to be part of!! Spend 10s of dollars on organizing bins and planners and notebooks and doo-dads!! Get yourself a membership to the nearest gym!**”

You would thing I would learn by now….

I think part of this year is going to be acceptance. This is who I am. I hate it. At times, I truly despise it. But I’m stuck with it. So…. Ummmm….

There’s supposed to be an inspiring ending to that. I don’t have it yet though!

Anyway, I will go to bed tonight knowing full well 2015 will start with a messy house, with me quite overweight, a list of to-dos that are really should-have-dones… But who knows. Maybe I’ll at least have a shiny sink!

* Actually, I *did* sign up for a cool Declutter 365 thing!

** No gym, but I was given a Fitbit thingy that’s pretty fun! A little healthy competition with myself in regards to steps per day, perhaps?

Dancin’

Hey! Long time no type! How are you! Thank you to those who have left some comments, that’s so sweet!

So, I wish I could tell you that I’ve gotten my ADHD under control, and my house isn’t a demilitarized zone, and I’ve figured out how to successfully run a small business, and I’m getting some self esteem.

Instead, this guy says it all:

There are somethings that I’ve fallen away from recently that need to change. Things that would give me some instant gratification, things like getting enough sleep, drinking more water, eating better, seeing my chiropractor, getting moving. I know that to start on keep on improving the usuals (paperwork, clutter, procrastination, etc) I need to make sure those basics are being met.

Ha. I know what to do. Now, to convince my body I know what I’m talking about!!

I think journaling like this may help, too. Yes, I have 350  other things to do online. Yes, there are 9265 things on the computer to distract me. But dang it, I’m going to try!! I may shoot for once a week (which means once a month in reality!) and see what happens.

The one thing that I love about myself is that (most of the time) I am a crazy optimist. So I found this and decided that’s time to chacha!! Who is with me?

Is Unhumble A Word?

For some reason I started reading my blog today.

(Yeah yeah, I’m supposed to write in it, I know I know…)

ANYway…

 I noticed that, huh. It’s not bad! I would read it!

Then I noticed that, huh, other people have read it too!

Now I kinda feel like a dork. An unhumble one.

Because immodest makes me feel like I sit here in short skirts and low-cut shirts writing it.

(And I’m actually in some “Bazinga” sleep pants and an oversized red tshirt. In case you were wondering.)

Where was I?

Yeah so l want to try to get back to this again. Just so you know. I figure if I put it out there then it makes it more real.Back to typing about anxiety and ADHD and kids and FLYlady (or lack there of) and breastfeeding and any other random thing that pops into my head

Like the fact that I really need to trim my nails because they feel soooo annoying while I type but they look so nice I don’t want to, or the fact that WordPress is sooooo slow right now that words don’t pop up until way after I typed them (which may have something to do with the 3597 tabs I have open in Firefox, but whatever.) Or that it just tried to eat my blog and now I’m typing on some weird new page thingy. Or that when we left off I was having medication issues… and they are STILL not solved!

ANYway…

My point is, I’m going to try to bring this back, more for me then for anyone who may still be following. But if you are following, please feel free to let me know, and keep on me!

Now, off to shed my Bazinga pants for that slinky skirt. (Well… OK, my husband’s old jeans because it’s time to clean out The Boy’s sandbox with him. After I clean up the house. Ish. Because really? Not that much has changed!)

Lessons Learned, Part I

So, I’ve learned a few things this last week or so.

The first being, I sooo have ADHD.

Now, you may be sitting there thinking, “But, but, but… didn’t you learn that awhile ago?!”

Why yes. Yes I did. (Said in complete “Phineas and Ferb-ness”.)

But, see, I took the meds and I learned some things and I was seeing somebody to help and yes things were better but I kept thinking it was just the learning and the seeing and not so much the taking.

If we’re being honest, I have been totally worried it was all in my head.

So about a month ago my health insurance said they wanted me to take the generic form of medication. Well hey, I use generic medicine for colds and aches, why not?  Besides, I’m on a crazy low dose, so I should be fine.

So now we get to the second thing I learned:

Generic is NOT always the same.

Sooooo….. I was taking my meds la de dah and suddenly I had 4 straight nights of not being capable of falling asleep before 4am.

Huh.

And I was a tad bit… erm… irritable.

(OK, truthfully? I was nasty. I was yelling and mean and angry and picking fights with my husband. But let’s just go with irritable for now.)

I chalked it up to no sleep, and thought, “Hmm, this sleep thing started with the new meds. Maybe I need to take my 2nd dose earlier.”

Then I thought, “Hmmm…. this irritable thing started with the new meds…”

Oh dear.

I started to just take 1 a day. Early.

I just so happened to have an appointment with a counselor, so I asked what her thoughts were on generic. I mentioned I didn’t think it was working as well. She asked me what I was experiencing and didn’t seem the least bit shocked. She said that she hears that a lot, then something about fillers (hey, I was only on 1 day, and as you’ll read that 1 does diddley-squat) and mentioned I probably want to talk to my doctor.

Which I did. A couple weeks later. (Because as I alluded to above, turns out 1 dose is doing nothing. More details later.)

So my doctor is wonderful and sends me a new script right away and says it should be all set but if there’s anything more I need she can do it. I went to drop it off and explained that I wasn’t sure what would happen with the insurance because –

“Well, she can write DAW all over but if the insurance won’t accept it I can’t do anything.”

Gee, Mr. Pharmacist, thanks for interrupting but can I finish please?

After making me feel like a infantile pain in his neck, he sends me off saying they can’t fill it, he’ll call me after he talks to the insurance.

Thaaaaanks…

He called later that day saying the copay is a crazy amount and NOBODY would pay that much, to which I answered “Well don’t assume that, because if that medication is the only thing standing between a person and major, debilitating anxiety, you would be surprised”. He took the hint and was a lot less condescending.

Third thing learned: Being a pharmacist doesn’t mean you understand how life changing medication is.

So, I called insurance. They say my doctor needs to fill out a form. OK, great. I let her know.

This is Monday.

On Wednesday I call the pharmacy. They OKed me filling the script… at the crazy price.

OOooookay.

Back on the phone with insurance. Oh, nope, wrong form. We’ll fax your doctor the right form.

Sure. Great. Not sure why you didn’t tell me yesterday, but OK.

On Friday I get a letter. Apparently my doctor resent the paper… that is the same as the first one.

Wha!?!??!

Back to insurance.

I explain what is going on to the lady, who proceeds to “reexplain” it to me. I was fine until she said, “But since you have chosen not to accept he generic – “

Yeah, here’s where I threw manners out the window. Politely.

“Excuse me ma’am, but I fully accept the generic, but my body does NOT. I understand your needs to cut costs and I truly wish I could help  you with that, but this medication is NOT agreeing with me.”

Which FYI? Is sooooo much more polite then what I wanted to say.

That being said, she was MUCH more polite after that herself. So I guess the fourth thing I learned would be: Sometimes, you really do have to get a little gruff to make your point clear and be taken seriously.

Long story not-so-long, she said that there was a whoooole other form that needs to be filled out. To which I countered I appreciated her help but sure wish I could have been told that on Monday.

Well, today is Monday (a week later) and they still haven’t reviewed it. Of course they’re closed today and tomorrow. So it’ll be a month since I’ve had the proper medication. IF they decide to approve it.

So what has this meant for me? How did this help me realize I truly do have some chemical/neurological issues?!

Tune in later this week to find out!

On A Lighter Note…

OK, so I got more horrific  news yesterday… So today? We need to LAUGH!

BUT! Before that, I want to put something out there. I have a chance to do an AWESOME giveaway… but I only want to do it if I have at least 5 readers. So, if you read this blog, can you please comment on this post? If I get 5 replies by tomorrow afternoon, I’ll run the giveaway!

OK, so now an oldie but a goodie.

And if you like the graphic I created, you REALLY want to comment so I have the giveaway!!! 😉

 

 

Thomas Sheets

And it just keeps coming…

I had just finished The Boy’s kindergarten parent/teacher conference. I was waiting to go into Blue Eye’s… She’s in 2nd grade.

My husband told me. Thankfully he knows not to go into too much detail if he can help it.

But he couldn’t help it much, because his groomsman lived in the town. With his three daughters.

Since the conferences were running late, I told him go. Go home, check on Facebook.

Turns out he sends his children to a private school, so they are safe. But he has to explain to his daughter why her two friends were killed. How do you even do that?

I was OK for a bit. The waves would come but I had to get through the conference.

Then I got home, and my sweet Boy ran into my arms.

And he seemed so small. All of a sudden, he was just a baby.

And I couldn’t stop squeezing him, so I could feel him breathe. And holding his face to mine, to feel it’s warmth. I relished in his wiggling as he laughed “Mama!!! You squeezin’ me too much!!”. Because I couldn’t stop thinking of those cradling their child whose body wasn’t so perfect.

I made it though the rest of the night OK. Driving back from a store I broke down, but I had on music and the 2 in the car were talking and laughing and it was ok.

That night I snuggled The Boy in bed. It’s a nightly thing, and I was starting to get tired of it. He’s 5 now, why do I keep doing this? Shouldn’t he be better about getting to bed on his own?

But I laid there on Thomas the Tank Engine sheets. Laid there and held my boy. I had his hair tickle my nose, listened to his little snuffs, felt him wiggle to get comfy.

And I thought of other beds. Beds with Thomas and Tinkerbell and Mario and Buzz.

Empty beds.

And I imagined laying there, alone, with my heart broken.

And I cried.

I won’t lie, this is rough. And really, what right do I have to complain? Oh poor me, I’m so worried about my kids. Oh poor me, my brain won’t stop letting these horrible thoughts go through my head. In the grand scheme of things, I have no right to complain.

But man this is hard… Anxiety is a very dark, real thing to deal with it.

But I will. I will.

I spent the weekend with everyone at my inlaws. We had a wonderful time! And I was so excited that on Sunday, Husband and I were going to have a “date night” watching the Survivor finale.

Then I would feel guilty. So guilty. How can I do that?!?! How can I enjoy life, laugh, smile, make plans, when somewhere out there there are families wracked with grief?

But you know what? I enjoy life, laugh, smile, and make plans for exactly that reason.

Because anything could happen. Car accidents, disease, evil doings, just to name a few.

ANYTHING can happen.

And if it does, I want my kids (or husband, or myself) to know that they are loved. I want them to know laughter and joy.

I want them to see that bad things will happen but we keep moving on. We move forward. We enjoy every last second of life. Because we don’t really know when that last second is.

Maybe I’m not so eager to get out of those Thomas sheets after all.

Not Quite How I Planned This

Well, here it is.

My triumphant return to blogging.

I had planned out so many possible posts for this big moment! I could tell you about how my journey with “household (mis)management” is going. My slow but steady progress in dealing with my ADHD. My new job! My new business! (Yup, you read that right!) My weight loss! (Conveniently, I would leave out the “weight regain” part…).

But what got me here is something else.

Anxiety.

Ah yes, it still can rear its ugly head. For the most part, I consider myself having it under control. The medication really helps me keep my brain from going off into (too) deep, dark places.

Even after our village lost a little girl to cancer – the little girl who road my kids’ bus to her Grandma’s, a few houses down – I kept it under control. Before, that would have sent me spiraling into all sorts of horrible thoughts. But not this time. I was able to keep myself from being consumed by grief and worry. And I was so proud (and relieved)!

I talked with my mom today. Her neighbor’s 11 year old son was hit by a car and died.

Wham.

Now? I’m having to fight for this. I’m fighting for that control of my brain, fighting for that voice to tell me to STOP THIS. STOP. NO.

It’s hard. I’ll be OK, then am suddenly slammed with a sheer and utter panic about any every thing that could possibly happen to my kids.

But I’m fighting. I’m going to keep fighting. I know how this can go, and I know that I can keep this from spiraling out of control.

And this is for anyone out there who reads this who struggles with anxiety. I’m not sure if there are still any “followers” but maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there on the internet searching for hope. Somebody out there who has become consumed with worry and panic. Looking to not feel so alone.

Fight it. Fight it hard. Fight it loud.

I have no time for this. I have kids to love, a job to go to, a business to work on, a husband to treasure, friends to enjoy, a body to make healthier, a house to care for, a blog to get moving again.

I have a life to live.

A life where bad things will happen, whether I’m ready or not.

But the here, the now, is waiting for me.

So I’m going to fight. And I’m going to win.